A few months ago, I was strolling down memory lane- looking through my old senior scrapbook- and I came across a photo of my first love. I smiled as I thought about our time together- nearly 20 years ago- and since then, he's been on my mind...a lot. As I've stated, this relationship was 20 years ago...back in the 90's..the good ol' days. I'm married to a fairly good guy, have two beautiful children (16 and 10 years old)...yet I can't get my first love out of my head. For the purpose of this post, I'll call him Mike. He's crossed my mind more than a few times over the years. I've often wondered what could have happened had we stayed together or if he ever thinks about me...I've even Googled the topic of getting over a first love and I found that this is actually a very common thing- many people can't get over their first...men & women! But why? One of the things I read was people tend to romanticize their first relationships, which really got me to thinking.
Mike was my first...EVERYTHING- my first REAL boyfriend, my first REAL kiss (tongue and all); he wasn't who I lost my virginity to, however, he was the second guy I ever slept with (because my first time was awkward and over with before I could count to ten) and all of my sexual experiences came from him. He was also the first guy to break my heart...although he certainly wouldn't be the last. As a 17 year old girl, I thought my world revolved around Mike. He was everything I wanted in a guy- cute, smart, athletic...the total package, or so I thought. It was the end of my senior year, I was a month away from graduating, I was young, pretty, and could have had any guy I wanted back then...and I wanted him. And I thought he wanted me. After spending most of the year trading insults and snappy comments, we finally decided that we liked each other. Call it puppy love or whatever, but I loved me some him. Having only just lost my virginity when we started going together (it sounds so weird to say that now), I was young and horny...and he definitely satisfied my sexual cravings (don't judge...we were teenagers) Making out in the backseat of the car, on the couch, or basically anywhere, anytime we were alone, was the best feeling in the world. We laughed and talked about any and everything, got along really well, and everybody swore we made the cutest couple. I was on cloud nine, until a few short months later, when he suddenly broke up with me out of the blue. And it was really sudden...I was totally blind-sided. And of course, at 17 years old, I thought my life was over. How was I supposed to go on living without Mike?
I will say, he let me down gently...or at least he tried to. He gave me all of the classic break-up lines: We can still be friends; you can still call me or come over any time you want to; I know you'll find another boyfriend fast because you're pretty, or whatever- which was crazy as hell to me, because the guy I wanted was dumping me so... He was saying all of this, but all I was thinking was: Don't cry, Joyce...be strong. Well, that's one of the things I was thinking. I was also thinking: Why in the hell would I still come over to your house after you've just dumped me? To do so would have made me look hella desperate; and while I may be a little clueless and naive at times, I've never been desperate. That was one time I was proud to be too full of pride (one of the seven deadly sins) to chase after a man...even at that age. As I think about it further, my 36 year old self now realizes that what he was really saying was: We can still have sex...be friends with 'benefits'...I just don't wanna be tied down with just one girl. But back then, my 17 year old self only heard one thing: he doesn't want me...I'm obviously not good enough...I must be lacking something. And unfortunately, those feelings stuck with me, well into my adult years, which began a pattern that I noticed that followed- I ended dating several verbally abusive men after that...guys who built me up, only to tear me down when it suited them. I was so eager to please whomever I was dating, that I would change things about myself if he wanted me to. If he said my jeans were too tight, I changed them or wore a longer shirt. If he told me he didn't want me wearing make-up, I took it off so he wouldn't feel insecure. If he didn't want me talking to other guys, I stopped. The song and dance routine I did daily to make my man feel better about himself was exhausting...but I did it so I could avoid feeling as low and as empty as I had when Mike ended our relationship with no real explanation. I think that's what my hang-up was....not really knowing the real reason. It's bad enough being kicked to the curb, but to not really know why, definitely has your mind playing tricks on you...making you feel like you did something wrong, when in actuality, he was the one with the issues.
When I think of my time with Mike, I often think about our good times: the hot, steamy teenage sex...the fun talks we had....but I somehow managed to block out the fact that he was really kind of a jerk. Mike was always arrogant and rather conceited, but I overlooked that back then. He was a cutie, and to a teenage girl, nothing else really mattered. But in between the fun, laughter, and necking (as the older folks say) he also never missed an opportunity to diss me whenever he could, from talking about the way I dressed (which was rather tomboy-ish back then) to telling me in an indirect way that I needed to lose some weight (which baffled me because I was really slim as a teenager)...to blatantly telling me that no 'city' guy would ever give me a second look unless I changed myself, after I mentioned plans of wanting to get out of country ass Arkansas and head west to California after graduation. Up until that point, I thought I looked pretty good back then. I mean, I wasn't a size two, but I was far from being the voluptuous, plus-sized diva that I am now. And I still look good, but moving on...
I realize now that what I've been doing all of these years is romanticizing that relationship. I've stored and locked away Mike's bad characteristics, and only focused on his good ones, which is what a lot of people tend to do when it comes to first loves. But if we read between the lines, was it really all that great, after all? Not in my case. Not only did he take my self-esteem and stomp on it, squashing it like a grape, I've gone my entire adult life feeling as if I don't measure up to other women...like I'm not good enough sometimes, and it's all because of a comment made by Mike 20 years ago. Even though we both laughed his words off, inside I was crushed. The boy that my life revolved around back then, was throwing some serious shade my way. I thought I'd done good to hold onto my virginity until very close to graduation, which was saying a lot, considering the fact that some girls were getting it on in 9th grade. Which was why it baffled me when, after my first time with Mike (which was about a week before my senior prom) he basically called me easy...after we'd had sex, of course. Umm hello...if I were easy, I would have given it up to the first cute guy who smiled at me and called me pretty when I was a confused freshman; or the guy who accidentally/on purpose rubbed up against my ass, copping a free feel on the booty, when I was a sophomore; or given it up to the many guys before him, who'd tried- unsuccessfully- to get the cookie way before he came into the picture. Why do men always think they've conned a girl into giving it up? Let me tell y'all something real quick guys, a woman has already decided if she's going to let you hit it or not...from the moment she lays eyes on you. It's not that you have game or smooth-talked your way into her panties...because if we've told ourselves that we're not into you like that and it's not happening....it's NOT happening. I brushed that comment off, as I did all the rest of the negative things he said about me, which I now realize was a big mistake. By letting him say things like that to me, I was giving him permission to tear me down, piece by piece. It wasn't until after he'd dumped me suddenly, out of the blue, that I realized just how much his words had affected me. I found myself looking in the mirror thinking: Am I really fat? Am I pretty enough? Will another man ever want me?
I could go on and on, but basically what I'm getting to is ladies, stop fantasizing and romanticizing an old love. It's a really bad feeling to want someone who doesn't want you back, so you find yourself blocking that out, and only focusing on the time when they did want you...when you were good enough for them. If this was the person you were meant to be with, you would be. Just like in any relationship- past or present- are we really looking at all the characteristics about the man we've given our hearts to, or only focusing on the good ones, while purposely ignoring his bad qualities? Are there red flags popping up around you to let you know that this may not be the right man for you, but because he looks good, or blows your mind in bed, you ignore them? From experience, I know that when we think we're in love, we only see what we want to see...and all I wanted to see back then, was Mike- the good, the bad, and the not so pretty qualities. He gave me all of those teenage memories that stick with us as we grow older...the times we sit and think back on while smiling to ourselves. But aside from that, what else was there? I've thought about this several times, and I still come up with nothing. Deep down, I know he wasn't the man I was ever meant to be with. I've changed so much from the shy, passive, girl I was 20 years ago and there's no way I'd ever allow him to diss me now, the way he did back then, and I sit back and take it. I've grown up a lot and I realize that if a man truly loves- or even likes you- he'd never intentionally say or do anything to hurt you...for any reason.
Again, I was naive back then, but the Virgo in me wouldn't allow me to let him see that he'd broken me down. As a matter of fact, I acted so nonchalant about the whole thing, it probably seemed as if I wasn't messed up about him breaking up with me at all. I never asked him why he wanted to break up or begged him to give me another chance to make things right, and other than a few phone calls here and there, I eventually moved on to another guy a few months later. But however you decided to deal with a broken heart, just know that you deserve someone who uplifts you. Constructive criticism is cool, but if a man is flat out saying hurtful things just so that he can boost his already larger-than-life ego, he's not the man for you... no matter how good he makes you feel in bed. Stop confusing lust and good sex, with love. If you find yourself second guessing everything about yourself, having to talk, dress, or act a certain way- as I did- you're with the wrong guy.
I don't hate Mike, I wish him nothing but the best. But now when I think about him, all I truly want to say is, thank you. Thank you for setting me free so that I could move on...so that the man I was meant to be with, could find me. I don't have to pretend to be this perfect person, or worry about what my husband will think when he sees my love handles when I step out of the shower...if he finds me attractive or not; or how I so do not have the perfect body underneath my clothes. I have an attitude- sometimes for no real reason- but he's man enough to deal with it; and rather than criticize me because I'm not this perfect woman, he's stuck around for eight years and counting, trying to make me realize how beautiful I truly am. Because of Mike, there's a small part of me that will always wonder if I'm pretty enough, or smart enough...but my husband always finds a way to make me realize that I'm all that and then some.
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