COMING SOON: THE HEAD MISTRESS

I love writing, as much as I love reading, so I'm proud to announce that this little short story that I've been working on is finished, and will be released soon...how soon, I'm not sure. It's contemporary romance/women's fiction and unsuitable for readers under the age of 18.

Synopsis:

The Head Mistress 

By day, Ebony Williams runs a very successful soul food restaurant in the Windy City, but  after hours, she becomes 'Head Mistress' Ebony, operating a high-end, male members only, secret society brothel in The Basement of the same restaurant. Getting into Ebony’s secret club is hard, but if allowed inside, her clients- which include politicians, doctors, lawyers, and the like- gain access to all the passionate, freaky, hot sex that he’s not getting at home, and he doesn’t have to ever worry about his wife finding out.

Ebony is all about getting her coins, but she does like to indulge herself and get her feet wet, from time to time. She sets her sights on one of the newest members to be accepted into her secret club- a young college professor named Terrence- and offers to personally fulfill his sexual desires, under one condition- he must not have any other mistresses other than herself, in or outside of The Basement. Sexually frustrated and staring his fantasy come true in the face, Terrence eagerly accepts Ebony’s offer, and so begins their steamy affair. However, he soon breaks his promise to Ebony, and get’s himself another side-chick.

Once Ebony finds out that Terrence hasn’t kept his word, she vows to make him pay for breaking his promise to her. She knows- all too well- that promises are meant to be broken; but lying to her has much more serious consequences, which Terrence will soon learn…but will he learn a little too late?

#ComingSoon #NewBookAlert #SelfPublishedAuthor #IndieAuthor #Book #WomensFiction #ContemporaryRomance

Is having a big ol' booty that serious?

As if Black women didn't already have enough ridiculous standards of beauty to live up to when it comes to our counterparts (white women) here lately, more and more Black women are running off to get butt implants, on the hunt for the perfect booty. I know we all have some things we'd like to change about ourselves, from our tummy pooches, to that irritating under-arm flab. Hell, if I had the money, I can't say I wouldn't take the easy way out, and go get a little lipo myself. I can't contribute my belly fat to my kids anymore (they're 16 and 10). I'll just be honest, I like to eat. I'm addicted to cupcakes, and I'm trying to end my affair with Cokes, but I'm losing that battle. Yes, I've tried doing crunches, walking, and going to the gym, but I didn't see the results I wanted, so I just ate another cupcake and washed it down with a soda. (Don't judge me) So, the easiest way to get rid of my spare tire belly, would be to get plastic surgery, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to change things about yourself, but is it worth dying over? Not to me, it's not. But for some women, namely Black women, having the perfect body is worth dying for. 

Yes women, I get it- society ( Hollywood) puts these ridiculous standards of beauty on women of all races. When you have women like Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, J.Lo,Nicki Minaj, or those Love & Hip Hop girls flaunting their perfect, round, donkey booty's in your face on the tv screen all day, everyday, and men losing their damn minds over them, it's easy to want the same thing.Women are constantly being told that having the perfect body is the only way to snag a man's attention (which is total B.S.). However, when it comes to risking your LIFE trying to get a big ass, there lies a big problem. 

Just last week, I came across a story about a 34 year old black woman in Dallas dying after she went to a salon to get Black Market butt injections, which she had done a few times before. Her family says she said "she wanted a big booty like everyone else." So, off she went to get butt shots from a woman who goes by Wee Wee, and a transgender man, named Jimmy, a*k*a* Alicia. Neither of them had anybody's medical license, both have criminal records, and the duo is said to target wannabe video whores models, and adult entertainers. Former clients of Wee Wee and Alicia said they used hydrogel to inflate their client's rear-ends, and sealed the wounds shut with Superglue, and that it costs anywhere from $300-$500.00 each visit. Now, I feel bad that a woman lost her life, and especially over something as silly as a butt injection, but where is the common sense? First of all, these are regular people, posing as doctors. Did this lady not do any research before she went in? Obviously not. Then, I'm sorry (not sorry) but Wee Wee is NOT about to do anything for me, not even my hair. You have to wonder about this woman's mindset, why she was willing to pay up to $500.00 to let some random person convince her that she was qualified to do this. You know that phrase, "You get what you pay for?" That most definitely applies when it comes to bootleg butt injections. Yeah, it's cheaper, but the results can be very ugly, and in more and more cases, deadly. 

In many of these cases, the butt doesn't even look natural. It's just like breast implants- if you have a petite frame, but you're walking around with these big ol' breast (i.e Wendy Williams) it just looks silly. Don't get me wrong, I watch Wendy everyday, but when those doors open and she comes out and teeter-totter's over to that purple chair, she always looks like she's about to topple over, because her chest is so big for her body. Then, there's K. Michelle. I'm not a fan of hers, or of Love & Hip Hop, but I've seen her and her butt just looks weighted down all the time, like she has a bunch of something stuffed inside the back of her pants- it's definitely too big for her frame. Women aren't even taking into consideration how disproportionate these implants and injections make them look, all they care about is having that certain body part to turn a man's head. 

Unfortunately, even with all the free information out these about these illegal body enhancement procedures, tragic stories, like the one I mentioned above, are becoming more common. And we continue to see horrible results of women not taking the time to do research before they alter themselves. Deaths from Black Market butt injections are being reported all over the U.S., mainly because injections are less expensive than actual butt implants, with little time needed for recovery. But is it worth it? According to plastic surgeon, Dr. Onyewu, it's not. "Over the last couple of years, and certainly in the last six months, I'm seeing a rash of people who've had these injections done who are coming back with problems," said Dr. Emeka Onyewu, a Silver Spring, Maryland plastic surgeon. Not only are these silicone injections illegal, they're often mixed with materials that create horrible, disfiguring reactions. "This dark skin feels like leather," said Dr. Onyewu, pointing to a photograph showing a woman's buttocks with dark, textured skin. "Like a leather purse." He added, "We've heard stories of motor oil being mixed with them, we've heard fix-a-flat, hydrogel. These are substances that go to the kidneys and destroy them. Goes to the liver and destroys them, eats through the skin."They can also lead to masses of silicone that have hardened and migrated. So firm, Dr. Onyewu must work to soften the tissue enough to remove it. Said Dr. Onyewu, "If you tried to go in now and surgically remove it, you couldn't even get a knife through it, that's how hard it is. That's how thick it is. "Even more alarming: these black market injections are being done at pumping parties held in motel rooms, private homes and spas."Most of these have been done underground," said Dr. Onyewu. "These girls get together with one source and that source, with drinks and food and everything, they sort of party and they get these injections done. There's a shroud of secrecy around it. It's hard to get into these parties. You have to be invited by somebody who's had injections done before."

I was was scrolling on Facebook and saw this photo above and almost gagged. Ladies, it's NOT that serious? This is permanent damage, unless you have big bucks to pay a REAL doctor to fix you up afterwards. Stop letting these so-called rappers, these beauty magazines, and entertainers tell you that having a butt like Kim Kardashian is the way to go. It may get you a little temporary pleasure and attention, but at what cost to you and your health? Common sense is the easiest thing in the world to have, yet so very few people use it. I saw a news story blaming hip hop for the rise of the big ol' butt trend, citing the 90's song Baby Got Back, by Sir-Mix-A-Lot, as a supposed reason why Black women are risking their lives for these procedures, but when are people going to stop blaming hip hop artists for EVERYTHING and start placing blame where it belongs: on Hollywood shoving it down women's throats that image is everything? When I read things like this, I'll keep my body, just the way it is. That's why they make Spanx, girdles, and whatever else I can do to control this bulge, until I can fully commit to exercising and getting my body tight and right, the correct way. 

#BigBooty #PlasticSurgery #ButtImplants #Beauty #Health

#TBT Martin

I'm sitting here watching re-runs of Martin with the kids, and one of the last episodes of the series is on- where both Martin & Gina find out they've both been offered jobs in L.A. And even though the kids are laughing hysterically, for me, that last season of Martin just wasn't the same. The jokes weren't as funny, and even before I read about the off-screen feuding between Martin and Gina, I could tell when I watched this show waayyyy back in the 90's as a teenager, that the dynamic of the show had changed.

Now, just in case you're around my age, but somehow missed the news, or you're younger and you were kid back when this show actually aired Thursday nights on Fox, let me spill the tea. See, Martin & Gina weren't as lovey-dovey as they seem on camera. Well, let me take that back, they actually were (allegedly). Word on the street is, Martin and Tisha Campbell (Gina) had a love thang going on, both on and off screen. I've gotten a little up in age and my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be, but I distinctly remember reading somewhere back in the day, after Martin and Tisha did House Party together, that he took such a liking to her, he said if he ever got his own show, he wanted her to play his girlfriend. His wish obviously came true, and the gift that we now know as Martin was given to us in 1992. We couldn't wait to see Martin and Gina arguing about something or another, Martin and Pam fighting and making wisecracks at each other, Martin throwing people out, or him as one of the many characters he portrayed (Sheneneh, his crazy ass Mama Payne, Mr. Otis, Jerome, and the little snot-nosed kid) and who can forget Bruh' Man (upstairs, fif' floor) And while most of us secretly wished that we'd one day have a relationship that mimicked Martin & Gina's, apparently their chemistry was just as strong offset, because Tisha wasn't just his boo on the show. (Allegedly) they were getting their freak on in real life too, but in an unusual turn of events, Tisha was only in it for the sex, while poor Martin was really in love with her. And we should all know by now that there is absolutely NOTHING like a man scorned. An angry woman has nothing on a man who's ego has been bruised. So (allegedly) after Tisha kicked him to the curb and began dating (and eventually married) Duane Martin, ol' Marty Mart saw red, and he started trippin'!!! 

According to his Martin co-star, Carl Anthony Payne II (affectionately known as his homie, Cole Brown), after Tisha hooked up with Duane, "Martin made her life hell on the set." Things got so bad, that Tisha did an interview with Sister 2 Sister magazine, complaining about him and his behavior towards her on the set. Then, I remember reading somewhere back then, where she said there were times where they'd be doing a scene where they were to "act" like they were kissing, but Martin would really be trying to slip her the tongue- like for real, for real. It was also said (allegedly) that they did a few bedroom scenes and Martin would be all, er, aroused when he climbed on top of her, making her really uncomfortable. I also read things about Martin feeling himself a little too much, and he was (allegedly) doing drugs, making the set uncomfortable for his other co-stars as well.

All I know is, somewhere along the way, Tisha/Gina finally had enough, and she filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the producers of the show. Like I said, I remember watching back in the 90's and thinking to myself, "Why are Martin & Gina never in any scenes together anymore?" It was always, they were yelling to each other from separate rooms, or 'talking' on the phone, or other instances, like the Thin Line Between Love & Hate episode, where they all went on the cruise, but Gina somehow got left behind. I knew something was up, and it wasn't too long after that, that the truth came out. Tisha agreed to film the remainder of the 5th season, but only under the condition that she and Martin didn't film any scenes together. Those last few episodes were the beginning of the end of a great series, although like I stated above, the last season wasn't as funny as we knew the show to be. I guess with all that was happening behind the scenes, Martin Payne, really became a pain for Tisha to deal with. Now, it was also said that Tisha Campbell had a similar freaky-deaky situation going on (allegedly) with Damon Wayans, when she was on My Wife & Kids with him, so who knows if all of her allegations against Martin are true or not. Whatever the case, Martin just wasn't the same that last season, and that was a sad situation, because it was one of many shows from the 90's that made my teen years so worthwhile. There was nothing like watching Martin, Living Single, and New York Undercover on Thursday nights, then getting to school on Friday morning and recapping them with our friends. And subpar last season or not, I thank God for DirecTv and the re-runs that are played on several channels everyday, allowing me to re-live my glorious teen years, if only for an hour or so. 

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this story is old as dirt, but that's what #ThrowbackThursday is for, to sit and reminisce about the good old days, and this show definitely will go in my time capsule of my favorite things from the 90's. Okay, I've spilled my share of tea for the day, back to watching Martin.  

#TBT 3/26/11- Our Wedding

Wow, time flies. On this day, 4 years ago, my husband and I were running around like chickens with our heads cut off, doing last minute preparations for our wedding. We paid for, and planned it all ourselves, which translates to- I cooked a lot of the food served at our reception and had to decorate the reception building. In hindsight, if I could do it all again, I would have ignored my husband convincing me that we didn't need a wedding planner, and left all that responsibility to her, because having to do everything ourselves, took away from us really enjoying our day. We did have family helping us, and I can't thank them all enough for everything.

Since it's #TBT I've decided to share some of our wedding photos. I didn't have my dream wedding, but we utilized what we had and we were happy, and we're still together...that's what really matters. Happy Anniversary babe!

We did a first glance photo. I remember when I walked in, his back was to me. I either said something or tapped him on the shoulder, but his reaction to me when he turned and saw me was priceless. 

My husband has become a wonderful step-father to my two kids. They love him, and he will go out of his way to get them what they want and need, the way a father should. 

My uncle walked me down the aisle.  

I did the ultimate wedding no-no, the one thing that would make David Tutera cringe- I ordered my wedding dress online. This will always be one of my biggest regrets. I was trying to stay on a budget, so I cut corners, but for this one day, I should have splurged and went to a bridal shop and bought my gown. As you can see, my, er, lady lumps are quite visible. IDK who I let convince me that a busty gal, such as myself, should wear strapless, but I couldn't spend the day crying about it. I made it work the best I could.

I love this pic of my husband surrounded by the bridesmaids. I can only imagine what was so funny...

Me and my grandmother, who raised me...

Our little family...

Me with my mother and sisters...

My daughter served as my flower girl...

I struggled with what song to walk down the aisle to. Then I heard this song, Soulmate by Dre, which was also the song that Toni walked down the aisle to when she married Todd on my favorite t.v show, Girlfriends, and I thought, perfect! Funny though, my uncle kept saying, "You sure about this? You still have time to turn around and run!" as we walked. I was so nervous, so that kept me silently laughing and calmed me down.

When I first saw this pic, I hated it because my smile is so big. But the more I looked at it, I liked it, because it showed how happy we were to finally be Mr. & Mrs. 

If you can't already tell, pink is my favorite color, so my wedding colors were fuschia, black, and white. I knew I didn't want to wear white shoes, so I had these dyed to the color of my liking.

Cake, cake, cake....It was just as delicious as it was beautiful.

Almost flashed my ta-ta's while cutting the cake...but I love this pic.

Neither of us dance, so we just sort of swayed to the beat for our first dance. We danced to the song, 

You're The One For Me, by Dondria

Beyonce's Single Ladies was playing as the ladies lined up to catch the bouquet...

My husband's family is uber religious, so I was a bit nervous when it came to this part. I thought my husband would nicely reach under my gown and remove my garter, but at the last minute, the photographer told him to use his teeth, which was right up his alley....smh! 

I's married now (Shug Avery voice) 

Perfect wedding or not, we had a blast that day. It started storming later that evening, and it continued to do so that night, and all day the next day. We spent our honeymoon in Hot Springs, but unfortunately it was cold and storming, at one time even hailing, so what did we do? We sat in out very nice expensive hotel room, and watched the Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA, while looking at our wedding photos...our photographer had uploaded a few of them to Facebook by the time we woke up the next morning. We're very casual and down to earth, so we had breakfast at the Waffle House, and even though it was raining, we still got to go out and enjoy the city a little bit. 

#TBT #Wedding #WeddingPhotos

Why are African-Americans always expected to forgive & forget?

So, I know this story is a few days old and I wasn't even going to voice my opinion on it at first, because every other day, I'm reading a different article about my people being degraded, demeaned, or shot down in the street, for doing the same daily activities as other races. Honestly, while it's all very sad, it's exhausting to put so much energy into getting angry over each and every story; because all too often, we are being made to feel like WE don't matter. Our lives don't matter, our children don't matter, and it's infuriating, to say the least.

Now, just in case you haven't been keeping up with this story, the beautiful young lady pictured above is 13-year-old Mo'ne Davis, who has been making a great name for herself on the baseball field, here lately. She's not out in the streets, twerkin', drinking, smoking, or having underage sex. Nope, instead she's a Little League World Series star, and a few days ago she was subjected to the worst type of bullying. Not only was she referred to as a "slut" on twitter, the name-calling came from an adult, Joey Casselberry, a Bloomsburg University baseball player, after it was reported that Disney wanted to make a movie about this awesome young lady. His exact tweet goes as follows:“Disney is making a movie about Mo’Ne Davis? WHAT A JOKE. That slut got rocked by Nevada." 

He tried it (in my Tamar Braxton voice) then in typical racist fashion, once Twitter got on his ass and he was booted off the baseball team (rightfully so) he gave the usual, "I'm so sorry for my comments, blah, blah, blah," and he deactivated his Twitter account. And as for Mo'ne? Well, in typical fashion, she took the high road, accepted his apology, and even asked that the University re-instate his ignorant ass on the team. Her response was: ”While I admit I was pretty hurt when I read his comments, I felt sad that he was dismissed from the team…,” the Philadelphia pitcher wrote. “I am sure Joey Casselberry has worked very hard to get where he is and dreams of playing in the major leagues. For this reason, I'm asking you to please allow him back on the team so that he can continue to chase his dream. He made one dumb mistake. I'm sure he would go back and change it if he could. Everyone makes mistakes," Davis echoed Monday on SportsCenter where she was being interviewed about her new book, "Mo'ne Davis: Remember My Name."

Yes, it clearly shows that she, at 13, is far more intelligent than this clown, and it's very admirable. But what I want to know is, why are Black people ALWAYS expected to take the high road? Why do we always have to forgive, forget, and move on? The police shoot our son's down in the street like dogs- we're supposed to accept the lame ass excuses given for doing so, and move on. Then there's this whole thing that happened recently with Giuliana Rancic (I just want to shove a couple of sammiches down her throat) She clearly has no room to judge anybody, but a few weeks ago on Fashion Police, she made a very racist, demeaning statement about Zendaya's dreadlocks, saying, "The hair to me on her is making her a little more boho. Like I feel like she smells like patchouli oil. Or weed.” And what did she do once the relentless force, known as Black Twitter, read her ass? She gave a half-ass, lame apology, then went on about her business. And what did Zendaya do? Once again, she took the high road (after a very long social media post) and forgave her. And lets not forget our own FLOTUS being attacked by fashion reporter, Rodner Figueroa, who said, on national tv, that she looked like one of the Planet of the Apes characters. He only apologized and tried to explain himself, after he found himself in the unemployment line the following Monday morning. What's even sadder, these things have all happened within the last few weeks, and in such close proximity to each other. We've always known that there is a war on Black men, but my sista's aren't too far behind them.

Unfortunately, this is nothing new. Black women, especially, are being insulted everyday, all day, by the media, our peers, the entertainment industry...and we're always told to just suck it up and deal with it. Had First Lady Obama (I'll give her the respect she deserves and use her offical title, because it's rarely done these days in the media) responded to this ass clown, she would have been deemed as a race baiter, too sassy, or having a bad attitude, or any of the the other negative comments often made about black women. Why does a 13 year old child even have to endure being called out of her name, and on social media for the world to see. How can we fix the issue of bullying in our schools, when we have so-called grown people who should know better, doing it each and everyday? I can say this right now, maybe that's why God has never made it possible for me to be famous, because while I don't feel the need to respond to each and every negative thing said about me, I would definitely get my point across: "Don't come for me, unless I send for you," (in the famous words of Kenya Moore) These people need to be put in their damn places, and we need to stop accepting weak apologies from people who want to feel bigger and better about themselves by tearing a black woman down, by any means necessary. That apology is like saying, just put a bandage on the cut, it'll feel better in the morning. Newsflash, underneath the bandage, the cut is still there, and it still hurts. Yes, Mo'ne accepted her bully's apology, but as a child who still has a lot of growing up to do, that comment is going to follow her for quite a while...and all the while she's asking forgiveness for the man who caused her the pain. 

So for the many people on Twitter- namely conservative white women- who made a big deal over the BET Special, Black Girls Rock, I hope this answers your questions, as to why a show like this is necessary, and why it isn't a form of reverse racism. It's necessary, because every damn day, Black women are told we're bitches, sluts, whores, look like apes, smell like weed because we wear dreads...the list goes on and on. The media and common everyday idiots, have no love for the sista's, so we have to create events to show some love and celebrate ourselves. We definitely won't get it from anywhere else. So, all this neck and eye-rolling, smart mouth, and finger-snapping that we do, and the Angry Black Woman Syndrome (ABWS) that people like to associate with us, it didn't just drop out of the sky. I only recently learned that ABWS was a real thing- while doing research for this post- but it sounds like a bunch of B.S. created by one of our own black men, unfortunately, as an alternative to calling us what he really wants to refer to us as- angry black bitches. Black men, especially, should be the last one's to put us down, but sadly, we get the most criticism from them. Aren't they angry about being racially profiled by the police everyday, about their lives being taken everyday, because someone felt threatened by them, so they just pulled out their guns and shot them down, to eliminate the threat? Exactly! So, are we not supposed to be angry that we're constantly being made to feel like we don't measure up to other races of women, EVERYDAY? Then to add insult to injury, we have misguided 'celebrities' (I'll use that word lightly) like Raven-Symone, who is African-American (even though she says she doesn't consider herself to be) and a lesbian- defending the guy who made the comment about the FLOTUS, talking about, "Some people do look like animals." She, of all people, should know what the discrimination and hurtful, judgmental comments feel like. Have several seats, Raven. Right beside Common- the rapper, turned Oscar winner, who decided to chime in with his two cents by saying,"Racism would disappear and wouldn't be an issue if Black people would just forget about the past and extend a hand in love," to the very white people who hate us so much; that, he said, would cure the issue of racism in America. Someone needs to take that Oscar trophy he won, and knock some damn sense into him. People like these two, are the reason why other races feel like that have permission to insult us any time they feel like it. Our own, one they've made it, suddenly turn a blind eye to the issues that are affecting US everyday. 

Black women have endured pain for many centuries, and we grin and bear it, because that's what we're expected to do. Will it ever stop, probably not. All I can say is, people know who to mess with. This college player, weak bully that he is, chose Mo'ne because he knew she couldn't- and at the advice of those around her-  probably wouldn't defend herself. But I'll bet he wouldn't have tried it with Serena Williams. She wouldn't have hesitated to put him in his place, in that nice-nasty way that she does, then she would have crip-walked out the room;  and that's exactly what needs to start happening. As long as social media gives these cowards a platform, we'll keep reading about stories like these, and until we're able to stand up for ourselves, the results will continue to be the same. We don't want to be associated with that ABWS, so we sit and say nothing. Oh, hell to the nah! I will be all that and then some, just as soon as I get done telling you to kiss my, well you already know where I'm going with this. I refuse to stand by and let anybody demean me, just so they can have a good laugh at my expense. I can't stand Kanye West as much as the next person, but people still haven't gotten over what he did to poor Taylor Swift at those MTV awards all those years ago, and they won't. Even though it seems the two of them have kissed and made up, he'll always be looked at as the big, bad black man, who bullied a poor, defenseless white girl, for the world to see. See, that's that double-standard ish. Mo'ne was more than likely told that in order to sustain her budding baseball career, she should brush that slut comment off, let it ride, and be the bigger person. I just can't... 

I'm just going to end this blogpost, because the more I type, the angrier I'm getting. I really wish this war on black women would end, but that's like wishing I'd win the damn lottery...I still have to get up and take my ass to work in the morning, because it's not likely to ever happen. I'm sure next week I'll be reading about another negative comment being made about another black woman. So stay tuned, I'm sure I'll be back. 

I have to have sex with my husband...but I don't have to like it.

A few nights ago, the hubby and I were in bed. I was really tired, but because I'm a bit of an insomniac, it's often hard for me to drift off to sleep. After a few minutes of tossing and turning, the sleep fairy finally sprinkled a little dust on me, and I was on my way to a peaceful night's sleep. Just as I began to hear myself lightly snoring, I felt my husband rubbing my hips. My eyes popped open, but I lie there completely still, hoping he'd take his horny butt to sleep. No suck luck! He continued trying to entice me, which was an indication that he wanted a little hanky panky before he went to sleep. Not only was I annoyed because I had been on my way to some good old, snoring-so-loud-the-neighbors-would-hear-me sleep, I was annoyed because I really wasn't in the mood. And I wasn't in the mood because sex with my husband isn't quite the experience it used to be before we said 'I Do!'

For most of us, we can remember back when we were teens, and even though we shouldn't have been, we were sexually active. Teenage sex was some of the best sex ever, because we were carefree, with no real responsibilities other than go to school, clean our rooms, or maybe take out the trash, and we had our whole lives ahead of us. The same applied when most were in our twenties...sex was an event in and of itself. We were trying to find ourselves, eventually hoping to find that special guy to settle down with, get married, have a few kiddos. And if that's what you were aiming at, you were elated when you finally found 'the one' and he popped the question, y'all ran off and got married, and you were now free to have all the hot, toe-curling sex you wanted, just like you did when you were younger.

But alas, married sex isn't quite what you hoped for. If you've been together for a while, it's probably become routine, predictable, and maybe even a little boring. And while you would have jumped at the chance to get your freak on before you got married and had a family to provide for, now you'd rather watch the grass grow, than to have sex. This is what I've been experiencing lately. I love my husband dearly. Yes, we have typical married people problems- we sometimes argue over dumb ish, like who uses more toilet paper than the other, or why he can't seem to see the crumbs that he leaves all over the kitchen counter; but what married couple doesn't argue? But for some reason, when it comes time to do the do, I can think of a million and one excuses not to do it. So, I did what I always do when something is nagging my brain, I Goggled the topic 'I hate having sex with my husband' and I found that this issue is quite normal in many marriages.

One of the articles I came across was from Dr. Hartley @ marriagebuilders.com: "It's called sexual aversion. Sex is a very common aversion in marriage. Suppose a husband is upset with the frequency and manner in which his wife makes love to him. Instead of solving the problem with thoughtfulness and understanding, he becomes verbally and physically abusive whenever sex isn't to his liking. He may not be abusive every time he makes love, and he may be very sensitive on almost every occasion. But whether his abuse is frequent or infrequent, his wife is likely to associate the unpleasantness of his abuse with the sex act itself. After a while, she finds the act extremely unpleasant, and tries to avoid it if she can. She has developed a sexual aversion. However, it may not always be as extreme as abuse. You can also develop a sexual aversion the way most women do, as a result of your husband constantly pressuring you to have sex with him when you don't feel like it. In most cases of sexual aversion, a husband is the source of these unpleasant experiences.

You probably began your marriage not knowing how to enjoy sex, and made love to your husband out of a spirit of generosity. You may not have known how to become sexually aroused or how to climax. But as long as you were in the state of intimacy, the experience was somewhat pleasant for you, because the sex act made you feel more emotionally connected to him.

Eventually your husband did something that made you feel less than generous. He hurt your feelings. It may have been something he said to you that was angry or judgmental. But you made love to him anyway, out of obligation. That experience was downright unpleasant, because you had absolutely no interest in being emotionally connected to him at the time. You probably wanted him to get it over as quickly as possible. Your husband may have had no way of knowing that you were suffering, because you didn't want to confront your husband with your resentment.

From that point on, your sexual experiences became predictably unpleasant. You made love because he expected it, not because you were willing, and you did whatever you could to avoid it or to make it brief. Whenever he would reach over and touch you at night, you knew that the nightmare was about to begin again. You eventually hated his touch. You may have told him how much it bothered you, but he would do it anyway. There was no way to stop him. Eventually, you'll develop an aversion to sex.

The same thing would have happened if you had tried to watch football with your husband. In the state of intimacy, you would have enjoyed the experience, because you felt emotionally bonded to him. But if he had hurt your feelings, and then expected you to watch football with him, it would have put you on the path of a football aversion.

If you had felt obligated to watch football with him, week after week, with no natural interest of your own, and no feeling of intimacy, it would have felt like torture to you. Eventually you would have felt disgust and revulsion whenever football was mentioned.

Had you started your marriage with an agreement that you would only make love to your husband when, and in a way that, you would enjoy it and respond sexually, you would never have had an aversion. Your sexual interest would have increased over the years.

Unlike football, you are wired physiologically to enjoy sex. If you had made love to your husband on your terms and for your pleasure, it would only have been a matter of time before all the connections would have been discovered. Then, you may have come to need sex more than he does.

But because you did not understand how important your emotional reaction was, you not only didn't try to enjoy the experience sexually, but you also put yourself though emotional pain in your effort to meet your husband's need for sex. Your effort to meet his need unconditionally did you in, and now you're not meeting it at all.

Sexual aversion is usually poorly understood by those who have it. These people commonly report that engaging in sex is unpleasant, something they want to avoid. They may find that sexual arousal, and even a climax is also unpleasant. There isn't anything they like about it, and some actually experience a panic attack in the sex act itself. When they're asked to explain why they feel the way they do, few have a clear understanding of their reaction. They often blame themselves.

Their ignorance comes from a poor understanding of where their feelings come from. People often have the mistaken belief that they can decide to feel any way they want. They can decide to feel depressed or they can decide to feel cheerful. But those who suffer from chronic depression usually know it's not that simple. And when people have a sexual aversion, they cannot simply decide to feel good about sex.

Emotional reactions are not based on our decisions and an emotional aversion is no exception. An aversion is an unconscious, physiological association of a particular behavior with an extremely unpleasant emotional experience. Those who have that association have no control over the aversive reaction that is inevitable.

So when a person has had repeatedly unpleasant experiences making love, and the association of those experiences with sexual behavior has led to an aversion, they experience emotional pain whenever lovemaking is anticipated or attempted. Sexual aversion is a disaster of major proportions for couples. Sex is a need that should be met in marriage, but if a spouse has an aversion to meeting it, it becomes almost impossible as long as the aversion exists.

To avoid aversions in the first place, keep unpleasant experiences to a minimum. That's why I am so adamant about couples learning to follow thePolicy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If they apply the policy to their sexual relationships, making love would never be unpleasant for either partner. Not only does it help them create a lifestyle of compatibility, but it also eliminates the possibility of any aversion to meeting each other's needs."

I got to thinking, was this what I was experiencing? There have been many times when I'm simply not feeling it for one reason or another, but I do it anyway because...well, I'm married, I'm supposed to.And there have been times when he made me feel some type of way if I wasn't enthusiastic about doing the horizontal polka. I'd feel pressured, or like he was mad at me, which only made me mad..because while I would do it to get him out of his little hissy fit, I wasn't doing it because I really wanted to.This definitely fits under that sexual aversion category. I even called him out on his attitude (which he admitted to getting sometimes) when I didn't jump for joy when sexy time presented itself. However, I'm very aware that sex in a marriage is very important, which is why I looked for solutions on how to fix the problem. First, look at why you've suddenly lost interest. Some of the reasons are: 

(1) Could it be due to a low sex drive? Maybe. As I have been experiencing symptoms of going through early menopause lately, this is more than likely my problem. 

(2) You just flat out despise your husband (which is where the sexual aversion comes in) and if that's the case just the thought of him even touching you make you sick. 

(3) Has he cheated on you, but you continued to stay with him anyway? If that's the case, this could definitely be a reason why you have no desire to  be intimate with your husband. You can't get over his betrayal, even though you told him you had. Every time you even think about his affair, it pisses you off. Not to mention, with all the sexual diseases out there, you aren't trying to be negatively affected because he couldn't keep it in his pants and be faithful to you. 

(4) It could also be that he just doesn't satisfy you. Some (not all) but some men just don't get it that all that sweet romantic stuff he did to GET you (giving you back massages, foot rubs, more than a minute of foreplay to get you in the mood) he has to do those same things to KEEP you. Men tend to slack off once he's GOT you. And for some women, that's a deal breaker. 

I think my issues tend to lead more towards the first one, although I'm not a doctor, so I can't diagnose myself. There could be a number of reasons. For instance, as sweet as my husband is sometimes, he seems to have forgotten that the oven has to be warmed up first, before it can reach it's full cooking potential. Meaning, foreplay seems to have taken an indefinite hiatus. At first, I would say nothing and endure it, because I absolutely didn't want to hurt his feelings. But after much consideration, I decided that it wasn't helping him or me or me to continue keeping quiet, in an effort not to hurt his feelings, because let's face it, men can't stand being told that he's not getting it right in the bedroom. Their egos have them thinking that they are blowing our minds, and to tell them otherwise...it would crush him. So, I got up the nerve to finally tell him that his er, romantic skills, needed a little updating. As I suspected, he wasn't too happy, but at least I got it off my chest and let him know what I'd been feeling.  

It's a work in progress but listed below are a few way you can try to overcome sexual aversion if you find yourself in this situation; because saying nothing, just hoping it'll miraculously get better won't get it. 

(1) First get to the root of the problem; find out exactly what's making the thought of sleeping with your mate, repulsive. Also, you have to risk hurting him by telling him because unless you say something, he won't know. he's not a mind reader.

(2) Go to sex therapy: I know for men, the thought of sitting in front of a therapist, discussing his sexual skills (or lack of them) doesn't sound like much fun. Hopefully, this very obvious option will work out though. You both may learn things about yourselves, sexually, and the marriage could benefit from it.

(3) Try role playing. If the reason why you've suddenly lost interest in having sex with your spouse is simply because it's become routine and predictable, find ways to make it fun again. I always chuckle when I see the K.Y. his and hers commercial, where the husband pretend to be the pool guy or whatever, and the woman says, "We don't have a pool," then he says, "Well, I'll come in anyway!" I told my husband, maybe that's what we need to do. It may seem corny at first, but it can work. If you're having sex in the same environment (i.e the bedroom) all the time, you need a change of scenery. Find what works for you and go for it.

(4) Communication is key. I said it earlier, but unless you discuss what your problem is, he's going to assume that what he's doing is working for the both of you. Trust me, I know it's an uncomfortable conversation to have, but if you want your marriage to work, you just have to put your big girl panties on, and do it.

(5) Don't belittle him when he comes up short. This will only hurt the situation. Yes, you want to make him understand that sex is less than enjoyable for you, but find a nice way to do it. Just as some husbands keep comments to themselves when they notice we've picked up a little weight, or gotten a new hair-style that he doesn't particularly like, (1) because he knows better, and (2) because he doesn't want to hurt our feelings, you don't want to make him feel as tiny as a gnat. 

(6) Don't be afraid of a quickie. Part of the excitement of quickies is just like when we were younger, the thrill and the thought that we just might get caught, but we do it anyway. In a marriage, most couples schedule things, like we make appointments for the dentist. After work, taking care of the kids, and all the other responsibilities adults have, we factor in sex, which just makes it seem like another chore that we have to do. Sex shouldn't be looked at as something to mark off the to-do list. A quick five minute session while the kids are in the other room, staring at their cellphones, or watching tv, never hurt anybody.

There are many ways and solutions to fix the problem, if the problem is fixable. If there are deep, underlying issues as to why you avoid sex with your spouse, such as physical, emotional, mental abuse, you would obviously need to seek help to deal with that. But if it's just because he fails to make you see fireworks, like you experienced when you were younger, work with him to make it more enjoyable for the both of you. Also, don't let society determine what's deemed a healthy sexual relationship and what's not. Some couples have sex two or three times a day, some once a month...but you have to find what works best for YOU. There's no written law that states that sex everyday is a must for a marriage to work. Just be real and honest about the situation without being harsh and judgemental. May the force be with you! 

Information in this #blogpost found at: 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html
http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/i-love-my-husband-i-dont-want-sex-anymore

Making your boyfriend a little jealous is all fun & games...until it's not anymore!

Have you eve dated a guy who always wanted needed to be all up in your kool-aid, ALL THE TIME? If you talked to another guy, he got mad, he asked you fifty'leven questions as to who dude was, and he just acted like he had to have your attention, 100% of the time? If so, you're dealing with a contolling man, and it's best to run for the hills, if you still have a chance.

I first encountered a guy like this back in 1996. I was 17, had just graduated from high school, and was starting my first fall semester in college. I'd just gotten out of a relationship with a guy, and even though it ended on good terms, I still liked him, but I knew I would have to move on. And with me starting college and there being so many cute, new guys around, I was sure I wouldn't be single for long. One day, out of the blue, my aunt decided that she had this guy she wanted me to meet. They worked together, and she decided to play millionaire match-maker, like that Patti chick on Bravo, I guess. He'd given her a photo of himself to give to me, and while he wasn't bad looking, there was just something a little off about him. I told my auntie, thanks but no thanks, after looking at the picture for all of ten seconds. My aunt told me to just give him a chance and don't judge by the pic, so I gave in. Mind you, back in 1996, we didn't have cell phones, Facebook, and all the other social media platforms we have now. There was no texting or instant messenger. So, it would be a few days before I officially met him when he came over to my house. Again, he was fairly handsome, but my spidey sense was telling me something wasn't right about him. I brushed it off though, and went out to grab a bite to eat with him. Over pizza, we talked and got to know each other, and I found myself actually liking him. I thought, "Okay, he might not be so bad, after all." He was a bit charming, and as he told me some of his sad family history (such as how his dad walked out on his mom and all the kids to marry another woman) I found myself immediately thinking, "Aww, how sad!" and feeling sorry for him. I just wanted to hug him, and be there for him, because I thought he was a good person. 

Weeks turned into months, and I was happy with my new boyfriend. I'd met a few new girlfriends at college, and one of my new besties told me that she used to go to high school with my new boo, and they used to date. Of course, I wanted her to dish out info about him. The one thing she told me that sticks out the most was, "BE CAREFUL. HE'S NOT WHAT HE SEEMS!" Just as quickly as I'd decided to give him a chance, her warning had me having second thoughts. What could she had possibly meant by that? I'd soon find out. I remember him being at my house one evening, and I was ironing my clothes for school the next day. He looked at my outfit, and told me that my jeans were often too tight, and showed my butt a little too much. Now, I'm a Southern gal. I grew up eating good, stick to the ribs, kind of food, like collard greens and cornbread; and I had the hips, thighs, and booty to show for it. I've always been a thick, curvy girl, so no matter what I wore, my curves were going to show. But, to make him feel better, I started wearing longer shirts over my jeans (not that it helped). Another day, we were at a convenience store, and I ran into a male high school classmate. I hadn't seen him since we'd graduated and we'd always been buddies, so I gave him a hug, and we had a quick conversation, to catch up. I do recall introducing my boyfriend to him as well. He grilled my ass all the way home, asking who the guy was, why the hell was I hugging all on him, and all that jazz? I didn't understand why he was being such an a-hole. I'd always had guy friends, and I was cool with just about everybody, so in my mind, he was tripping. 

Needless to say, that would only become the first time of many that he would show his true colors. And as the saying goes: "When one shows you his true stripes, believe him!" As the months went on, if another guy even looked at me too long, he was throwing a hissy fit. If we weren't together, he had to know what I was doing, who I was with, what I was wearing...the fifty questions thing with him was exhausting. My parents didn't even keep tabs on me as much as he did. Back then I'll admit that while it was irritating as hell, I also thought it was kind of cute that he was so jealous. In my young mind, it just meant he must really like me and he was scared someone else was going to come along and steal me from him. If only I knew then, what I know now. Those were the beginning signs that I was dating a jealous, controlling man...and it's definitely NOT cute. I laughed off his looney-toon ways, and would sometimes use his insecurity to my advantage. I knew he hated me talking to other guys, but I just couldn't resist doing it. If nothing else, I figured it would keep him in check, make him realize that I always had other options and he could easily be replaced. Looking back though, it just wasn't worth all the drama.

According to Carole Lieberman, media psychiatrist and best selling author: We’re all guilty of a little game-playing sometimes. The whole upper hand/lower hand dynamic in the relationship can get us a little crazy. You’re craving attention and you know exactly how to get a rise out of him, but that might be your problem. She believes that a little touch of jealousy isn’t bad; “it keeps your guy on his toes.” Lieberman identifies the problem as women provoking men into becoming jealous. Girls see jealousy as an easy read that a guy is still interested in them, so they’ll do whatever they know will make their own man envious. Playing games like flirting with other boys in his presence, ignoring his calls and texts and toying with his emotions is dangerous because guys may take it too seriously and their jealousy could escalate. Keep your games in moderation; nobody wants their emotions and feelings disrespected. 

Here are a few signs that you're dating or married to a jealous/controlling man:

1. He wants to control what you wear, how you wear your hair, how much make-up you put on.

2. He gets jealous if you talk to or about male friends. 

3. He has to know what you're doing every second that the two of you aren't together.

4. He finds reasons not to like your female friends, and eventually wants you not to hang with them, because he thinks they are bad influences on you. He's trying to isolate you from everyone else.

5. He gets mad very easily about little things, and somehow it's always your fault.

6. When you're in a group of people, he never takes his eyes off you or anybody (especially another man) who gets anywhere near you.

Obviously, there were many other signs that he wasn't wrapped too tight, but these are some of the main ones that this guy did constantly. And while this might not seem like much, things did progress from him being merely jealous & controlling, to him being menatally, emotionally, and physically abusive. That's when I knew it was time to get the hell out of dodge. I didn't sign up to take on the role of Tina Turner, letting Ike slap her around because he was crazy as hell, so he took his anger out on her. Most women, like myself, will find herself bending over backwards, trying to accommodate him and his craziness. I can't count how many times I felt humiliated when we'd be chilling in the student center at college, and he'd suddenly walk in the room; it would get so quiet, you could literally hear a pin drop. Everybody around campus knew how controlling he was, and our relationship played out like a soap opera...people couldn't wait to see what he was going to do or say next, while I just wanted to disappear. 

So, how do you deal with the jealous type? Lieberman suggests to first try to understand why he's the way he is. It's possibly he has trust issues because he was cheated on in the past, which makes him think ALL women are the same. He also may have mommy issues, which has absolutely nothing to do with you. Homeboy needs therapy, if that's the case. He could also feel threatened that another man is going to take over his territory. Men are very territorial, by nature, and just the thought that some other guy is coming for what's his, sends him over the edge. It could also be that he's just plain old insecure. Yes, some men are just as insecure as some women, though they won't admit it. He needs your constant reassurance that you love him, he's the only man for you, and that he can trust you. However, if he's constantly nagging and being a big whiny baby over any and every little thing you do, it may just be time to cut him loose. If you truly care about him, try to work with him to get to the root of the problem., because he obviously had them way before you came into the picture. But, don't stick around to be his door mat or his punching bag. If he can't get some act right, save yourself the time, drama, and embarrassment, and show him the door. 

For more information on how to deal with a jealous boyfriend, click the link: http://www.hercampus.com/love/relationships/how-deal-jealous-boyfriend