It's a lazy Sunday and as I'm channel surfing, I came across Scooby Doo on Cartoon Network. This cartoon has been my favorite since I was in like, the third grade. It's one of those tv shows that instantly transports you back to your childhood, when everything was easy breezy, life was plain and simple. I didn't have kid's, bills, husband's draining the life out of me slowly (sarcasm) My biggest worry was doing math and spelling homework, what I was going to wear to school the next day, or occasionally, doing small chores around the house.
But as I'm watching my favorite throwback cartoon, I realize that watching this through the eyes of an adult, things just don't add up or make sense to me, like they did when I watched as a child, and I'm going to talk about those things in this post.
1. Where the hell were these kid's parents? No, for real...where were they? I know this cartoon debuted back in the late 1960's, but I have a hard time believing that four kids and their dog were like, "Mom, dad...I'm dropping out of school, and I'm going to run off with a few friends of mine so we can drive around the world, solving mysteries," and the parents were like, "Okay!" These days, if kids miss too many days of school, a note is sent home, and the parents better have a good excuse as to why there are so many unexcused absences, or they may find themselves fined, in jail, or both. No to mention, CPS will definitely come for you.
2. Assuming the parents gave the nonchalant, Kanye shrug after the kids either told them they were quitting school to become teenage sleuths, did the gang decide to just take off with only the clothes on their backs, without packing a suitcase, or what? Because for the entire series, which originally lasted from 1969-1971, they all wore the same clothes...every episode. Okay look, so for two or three years, they were the Mystery Inc. Gang.. on the road winter, summer, spring, and fall. So, they expect us to believe that Daphne and who I now know to be Velma (I'll explain this later) ran around in those mini skirts and no coats? It gets pretty nippy from October-February...the winter months, so why did we never see them in pants or jackets? And also, if we're to believe they all wore those same smelly clothes, day in and day out, did they never run across a laundry mat? When, where, and how did they bathe, if ever? 2 smelly guys and a dog all on that van...I can only imagine.
3. Okay, back to VELMA- ever since I was eight years old, watching Scooby Doo in the mornings while mama did my hair for school, I thought her name was Thelma...like Thelma Evans on Good Times. It wasn't until very recently that I learned that I had been wrong, all along. I was in Walmart one day, and they had Barbie doll versions of all of them, and I see Velma. I was like, who at Mattel messed up and put the wrong name on the box? Then I find out, I was wrong...childhood ruined. Who names a child Velma, anyway?
4. Okay, I think everybody over the age of thirty has come to the conclusion that Daphne and Fred were getting their freak on. Y'all know he ALWAYS wanted her to go off with him...ALONE...you do the math. But, since they had a thing going on, I wonder if Shaggy and VELMA got tired of being third and fourth wheels, and engaged in a little hanky panky of their own? And what did poor Scooby Doo (see what I did there) while the humans were off being mannish? In most of the horror movies from the seventies, the teenagers were all having sex, which is why they were always getting killed, so it's not too far-fetched to think that these teenaged cartoon kids were gettin' it on too. Inquiring minds really wanna know...
5. Keeping it all the way real, there were two girls in the gang. And, thanks to Eve eating the fruit in the Garden of Eden, women have been subjected to the dreaded menstrual cycle, right? So, again, are we to believe that even during that time of the month, Daphne and Velma were happily gallivanting around in shorts skirts with no worries, having happy periods, like those chicks in the Tampon commercials, because I ain't buying it. Cramps, bloating, fatigue, backache....not to mention that when it's that time of the month, all I want to put on are baggy sweats and the biggest, baggiest t-shirt I can find...I wouldn't be solving any mysteries for a week out of each month, so what did they do during that time? Did they sit in the truck and let the other's handle it?
6. Did they get paid to solve mysteries? I mean, they were four kids and a rather scary dog, with no weapons or anything to defend themselves from the monsters, witches, and ghosts, and while they could be considered brave, I wouldn't have been doing the police's job for them...not for free. Police have weapons..they don't; so if they wanted me out there chasing men in scary masks and costumes, somebody needs to come up off of a few coins. How did they have gas money to fill up the mystery machine so they could go solve more mysteries, if they weren't getting paid? How did Shaggy have money for his weed and all that food he ate? Who sold him the weed? That stuff costs money...
7. Since we're on the subject of Shaggy, was he really the stoner that we all thought he was? I mean, he stayed eating anything and everything in sight, yet was really skinny..a dead giveaway. Plus, he just always had that blank, nonchalant look about him, like he was thinking, "I really don't give a damn about these ghosts and monsters, I just wanna go get high..." He smoked so much weed that when he really got the munchies, he'd pull a Deebo, and take the dog's snacks...it didn't even matter to him. Poor Velma; if she did ever hook up with him, it had to had been out of pure desperation.
I guess that's why cartoons are created for the kids...they don't give a second thought to dogs that can talk, or to kids who should be in school, but are driving around the world together, instead. As a child, I didn't think about any of these things either. But as an adult, I'm concerned. If my 16 year old son is not home at a certain time, I go into panic mode, so did their parents really just not care, or what? I'll probably never get the answers to these questions, but I'll always wonder...
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