'Til Death by J.L. Sapphire

Lonely

Unwanted

Un-needed

Unloved

If I die today,

Nobody would weep for me

What is it about me?

My looks?

My body?

That's it-

I'm not pretty enough,

Not sexy enough.

If I change myself,

Will they want me then?

It's worth a shot.

Try on a different personality,

Dress more provocatively.

Lips painted fire-engine red,

Super freak in bed.

This isn't me

I feel stupid,

Desperate,

Like a slut...

But, men like 

Stupid, desperate sluts, right?

Unless she's me-

They still don't desire me.

I'm still not good enough,

Not sexy enough.

A booty-call

A homegirl

But never good enough

To be seen on his arm

I know,

I'll become

His humble servant,

His sex slave

Cater to his every want

Need,

Desire,

Be his stupid, desperate slut-

Only his.

Look straight ahead,

No talking to other men.

Don't speak,

Don't smile.

Isolation

He's my only friend,

The only one who

Wants me, needs me, 

Loves me

Unless I smile-

He hates it.

To see me smile means

He's not in control.

He despises my smile,

My happiness,

Rebukes it in the name of Jesus.

It's my tears that he loves.

My fear that he craves.

My sadness that brings him joy.

For only then,

Does he feel in total control of me.

He relishes in my loneliness,

My sadness, my fear,

Drinks it up

like cold spring water

On a hot August day.

My fear excites him,

Nourishes him,

Empowers him.

I want to be free

Demanding,

Domineering,

Controlling, is he.

"Your jeans are too tight."

"Your shirt is too low."

"Why do you have on makeup?"

"Take it all off."

Other men may look at you,

Want you for themselves,

To be their stupid, desperate, slut.

"Is that what you want?"

The fear of losing me,

Intimidates him.

Beatings from his fists,

Threats from his lips,

It's the only way, 

he can make me stay.

I'm his loyal pet,

He's my daddy.

Be a good girl,

Rewarded with hot,

Passionate sex.

Disobey,

Out comes the fists,

Followed by

A verbal ass-whipping.

His words hurt,

So much more than his fists.

He beats me so I won't stray,

So I know my place.

Mixed emotions,

He loves me one minute,

Hates me the next.

Unless, of course,

We're having sex.

How can I break free?

I'm a prisoner- 

Locked in his violent world.

Emotional Rollercoaster

I love him.

Love has turned to fear,

Fear has turned to hate.

My fear excites him

How can I break free?

I'm his stupid, desperate slut

"I'm sorry, baby; I need you."

"I'll never hit you again."

Apologies and gifts,

Make me stay where I belong.

The pain doesn't last long

Makeup hides my bruises,

My pain.

He'll love me tomorrow.

I am his,

He is mine,

Forever.

'Til death do us part.

And he loved me to death,

Literally.

Free spirit

Death was the only way

I could get away.

A handful of pills

Peaceful, calm

The pain doesn't last long.

I am finally free.