I have to have sex with my husband...but I don't have to like it.

A few nights ago, the hubby and I were in bed. I was really tired, but because I'm a bit of an insomniac, it's often hard for me to drift off to sleep. After a few minutes of tossing and turning, the sleep fairy finally sprinkled a little dust on me, and I was on my way to a peaceful night's sleep. Just as I began to hear myself lightly snoring, I felt my husband rubbing my hips. My eyes popped open, but I lie there completely still, hoping he'd take his horny butt to sleep. No suck luck! He continued trying to entice me, which was an indication that he wanted a little hanky panky before he went to sleep. Not only was I annoyed because I had been on my way to some good old, snoring-so-loud-the-neighbors-would-hear-me sleep, I was annoyed because I really wasn't in the mood. And I wasn't in the mood because sex with my husband isn't quite the experience it used to be before we said 'I Do!'

For most of us, we can remember back when we were teens, and even though we shouldn't have been, we were sexually active. Teenage sex was some of the best sex ever, because we were carefree, with no real responsibilities other than go to school, clean our rooms, or maybe take out the trash, and we had our whole lives ahead of us. The same applied when most were in our twenties...sex was an event in and of itself. We were trying to find ourselves, eventually hoping to find that special guy to settle down with, get married, have a few kiddos. And if that's what you were aiming at, you were elated when you finally found 'the one' and he popped the question, y'all ran off and got married, and you were now free to have all the hot, toe-curling sex you wanted, just like you did when you were younger.

But alas, married sex isn't quite what you hoped for. If you've been together for a while, it's probably become routine, predictable, and maybe even a little boring. And while you would have jumped at the chance to get your freak on before you got married and had a family to provide for, now you'd rather watch the grass grow, than to have sex. This is what I've been experiencing lately. I love my husband dearly. Yes, we have typical married people problems- we sometimes argue over dumb ish, like who uses more toilet paper than the other, or why he can't seem to see the crumbs that he leaves all over the kitchen counter; but what married couple doesn't argue? But for some reason, when it comes time to do the do, I can think of a million and one excuses not to do it. So, I did what I always do when something is nagging my brain, I Goggled the topic 'I hate having sex with my husband' and I found that this issue is quite normal in many marriages.

One of the articles I came across was from Dr. Hartley @ marriagebuilders.com: "It's called sexual aversion. Sex is a very common aversion in marriage. Suppose a husband is upset with the frequency and manner in which his wife makes love to him. Instead of solving the problem with thoughtfulness and understanding, he becomes verbally and physically abusive whenever sex isn't to his liking. He may not be abusive every time he makes love, and he may be very sensitive on almost every occasion. But whether his abuse is frequent or infrequent, his wife is likely to associate the unpleasantness of his abuse with the sex act itself. After a while, she finds the act extremely unpleasant, and tries to avoid it if she can. She has developed a sexual aversion. However, it may not always be as extreme as abuse. You can also develop a sexual aversion the way most women do, as a result of your husband constantly pressuring you to have sex with him when you don't feel like it. In most cases of sexual aversion, a husband is the source of these unpleasant experiences.

You probably began your marriage not knowing how to enjoy sex, and made love to your husband out of a spirit of generosity. You may not have known how to become sexually aroused or how to climax. But as long as you were in the state of intimacy, the experience was somewhat pleasant for you, because the sex act made you feel more emotionally connected to him.

Eventually your husband did something that made you feel less than generous. He hurt your feelings. It may have been something he said to you that was angry or judgmental. But you made love to him anyway, out of obligation. That experience was downright unpleasant, because you had absolutely no interest in being emotionally connected to him at the time. You probably wanted him to get it over as quickly as possible. Your husband may have had no way of knowing that you were suffering, because you didn't want to confront your husband with your resentment.

From that point on, your sexual experiences became predictably unpleasant. You made love because he expected it, not because you were willing, and you did whatever you could to avoid it or to make it brief. Whenever he would reach over and touch you at night, you knew that the nightmare was about to begin again. You eventually hated his touch. You may have told him how much it bothered you, but he would do it anyway. There was no way to stop him. Eventually, you'll develop an aversion to sex.

The same thing would have happened if you had tried to watch football with your husband. In the state of intimacy, you would have enjoyed the experience, because you felt emotionally bonded to him. But if he had hurt your feelings, and then expected you to watch football with him, it would have put you on the path of a football aversion.

If you had felt obligated to watch football with him, week after week, with no natural interest of your own, and no feeling of intimacy, it would have felt like torture to you. Eventually you would have felt disgust and revulsion whenever football was mentioned.

Had you started your marriage with an agreement that you would only make love to your husband when, and in a way that, you would enjoy it and respond sexually, you would never have had an aversion. Your sexual interest would have increased over the years.

Unlike football, you are wired physiologically to enjoy sex. If you had made love to your husband on your terms and for your pleasure, it would only have been a matter of time before all the connections would have been discovered. Then, you may have come to need sex more than he does.

But because you did not understand how important your emotional reaction was, you not only didn't try to enjoy the experience sexually, but you also put yourself though emotional pain in your effort to meet your husband's need for sex. Your effort to meet his need unconditionally did you in, and now you're not meeting it at all.

Sexual aversion is usually poorly understood by those who have it. These people commonly report that engaging in sex is unpleasant, something they want to avoid. They may find that sexual arousal, and even a climax is also unpleasant. There isn't anything they like about it, and some actually experience a panic attack in the sex act itself. When they're asked to explain why they feel the way they do, few have a clear understanding of their reaction. They often blame themselves.

Their ignorance comes from a poor understanding of where their feelings come from. People often have the mistaken belief that they can decide to feel any way they want. They can decide to feel depressed or they can decide to feel cheerful. But those who suffer from chronic depression usually know it's not that simple. And when people have a sexual aversion, they cannot simply decide to feel good about sex.

Emotional reactions are not based on our decisions and an emotional aversion is no exception. An aversion is an unconscious, physiological association of a particular behavior with an extremely unpleasant emotional experience. Those who have that association have no control over the aversive reaction that is inevitable.

So when a person has had repeatedly unpleasant experiences making love, and the association of those experiences with sexual behavior has led to an aversion, they experience emotional pain whenever lovemaking is anticipated or attempted. Sexual aversion is a disaster of major proportions for couples. Sex is a need that should be met in marriage, but if a spouse has an aversion to meeting it, it becomes almost impossible as long as the aversion exists.

To avoid aversions in the first place, keep unpleasant experiences to a minimum. That's why I am so adamant about couples learning to follow thePolicy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If they apply the policy to their sexual relationships, making love would never be unpleasant for either partner. Not only does it help them create a lifestyle of compatibility, but it also eliminates the possibility of any aversion to meeting each other's needs."

I got to thinking, was this what I was experiencing? There have been many times when I'm simply not feeling it for one reason or another, but I do it anyway because...well, I'm married, I'm supposed to.And there have been times when he made me feel some type of way if I wasn't enthusiastic about doing the horizontal polka. I'd feel pressured, or like he was mad at me, which only made me mad..because while I would do it to get him out of his little hissy fit, I wasn't doing it because I really wanted to.This definitely fits under that sexual aversion category. I even called him out on his attitude (which he admitted to getting sometimes) when I didn't jump for joy when sexy time presented itself. However, I'm very aware that sex in a marriage is very important, which is why I looked for solutions on how to fix the problem. First, look at why you've suddenly lost interest. Some of the reasons are: 

(1) Could it be due to a low sex drive? Maybe. As I have been experiencing symptoms of going through early menopause lately, this is more than likely my problem. 

(2) You just flat out despise your husband (which is where the sexual aversion comes in) and if that's the case just the thought of him even touching you make you sick. 

(3) Has he cheated on you, but you continued to stay with him anyway? If that's the case, this could definitely be a reason why you have no desire to  be intimate with your husband. You can't get over his betrayal, even though you told him you had. Every time you even think about his affair, it pisses you off. Not to mention, with all the sexual diseases out there, you aren't trying to be negatively affected because he couldn't keep it in his pants and be faithful to you. 

(4) It could also be that he just doesn't satisfy you. Some (not all) but some men just don't get it that all that sweet romantic stuff he did to GET you (giving you back massages, foot rubs, more than a minute of foreplay to get you in the mood) he has to do those same things to KEEP you. Men tend to slack off once he's GOT you. And for some women, that's a deal breaker. 

I think my issues tend to lead more towards the first one, although I'm not a doctor, so I can't diagnose myself. There could be a number of reasons. For instance, as sweet as my husband is sometimes, he seems to have forgotten that the oven has to be warmed up first, before it can reach it's full cooking potential. Meaning, foreplay seems to have taken an indefinite hiatus. At first, I would say nothing and endure it, because I absolutely didn't want to hurt his feelings. But after much consideration, I decided that it wasn't helping him or me or me to continue keeping quiet, in an effort not to hurt his feelings, because let's face it, men can't stand being told that he's not getting it right in the bedroom. Their egos have them thinking that they are blowing our minds, and to tell them otherwise...it would crush him. So, I got up the nerve to finally tell him that his er, romantic skills, needed a little updating. As I suspected, he wasn't too happy, but at least I got it off my chest and let him know what I'd been feeling.  

It's a work in progress but listed below are a few way you can try to overcome sexual aversion if you find yourself in this situation; because saying nothing, just hoping it'll miraculously get better won't get it. 

(1) First get to the root of the problem; find out exactly what's making the thought of sleeping with your mate, repulsive. Also, you have to risk hurting him by telling him because unless you say something, he won't know. he's not a mind reader.

(2) Go to sex therapy: I know for men, the thought of sitting in front of a therapist, discussing his sexual skills (or lack of them) doesn't sound like much fun. Hopefully, this very obvious option will work out though. You both may learn things about yourselves, sexually, and the marriage could benefit from it.

(3) Try role playing. If the reason why you've suddenly lost interest in having sex with your spouse is simply because it's become routine and predictable, find ways to make it fun again. I always chuckle when I see the K.Y. his and hers commercial, where the husband pretend to be the pool guy or whatever, and the woman says, "We don't have a pool," then he says, "Well, I'll come in anyway!" I told my husband, maybe that's what we need to do. It may seem corny at first, but it can work. If you're having sex in the same environment (i.e the bedroom) all the time, you need a change of scenery. Find what works for you and go for it.

(4) Communication is key. I said it earlier, but unless you discuss what your problem is, he's going to assume that what he's doing is working for the both of you. Trust me, I know it's an uncomfortable conversation to have, but if you want your marriage to work, you just have to put your big girl panties on, and do it.

(5) Don't belittle him when he comes up short. This will only hurt the situation. Yes, you want to make him understand that sex is less than enjoyable for you, but find a nice way to do it. Just as some husbands keep comments to themselves when they notice we've picked up a little weight, or gotten a new hair-style that he doesn't particularly like, (1) because he knows better, and (2) because he doesn't want to hurt our feelings, you don't want to make him feel as tiny as a gnat. 

(6) Don't be afraid of a quickie. Part of the excitement of quickies is just like when we were younger, the thrill and the thought that we just might get caught, but we do it anyway. In a marriage, most couples schedule things, like we make appointments for the dentist. After work, taking care of the kids, and all the other responsibilities adults have, we factor in sex, which just makes it seem like another chore that we have to do. Sex shouldn't be looked at as something to mark off the to-do list. A quick five minute session while the kids are in the other room, staring at their cellphones, or watching tv, never hurt anybody.

There are many ways and solutions to fix the problem, if the problem is fixable. If there are deep, underlying issues as to why you avoid sex with your spouse, such as physical, emotional, mental abuse, you would obviously need to seek help to deal with that. But if it's just because he fails to make you see fireworks, like you experienced when you were younger, work with him to make it more enjoyable for the both of you. Also, don't let society determine what's deemed a healthy sexual relationship and what's not. Some couples have sex two or three times a day, some once a month...but you have to find what works best for YOU. There's no written law that states that sex everyday is a must for a marriage to work. Just be real and honest about the situation without being harsh and judgemental. May the force be with you! 

Information in this #blogpost found at: 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html
http://www.divinecaroline.com/love-sex/i-love-my-husband-i-dont-want-sex-anymore