Have you eve dated a guy who always wanted needed to be all up in your kool-aid, ALL THE TIME? If you talked to another guy, he got mad, he asked you fifty'leven questions as to who dude was, and he just acted like he had to have your attention, 100% of the time? If so, you're dealing with a contolling man, and it's best to run for the hills, if you still have a chance.
I first encountered a guy like this back in 1996. I was 17, had just graduated from high school, and was starting my first fall semester in college. I'd just gotten out of a relationship with a guy, and even though it ended on good terms, I still liked him, but I knew I would have to move on. And with me starting college and there being so many cute, new guys around, I was sure I wouldn't be single for long. One day, out of the blue, my aunt decided that she had this guy she wanted me to meet. They worked together, and she decided to play millionaire match-maker, like that Patti chick on Bravo, I guess. He'd given her a photo of himself to give to me, and while he wasn't bad looking, there was just something a little off about him. I told my auntie, thanks but no thanks, after looking at the picture for all of ten seconds. My aunt told me to just give him a chance and don't judge by the pic, so I gave in. Mind you, back in 1996, we didn't have cell phones, Facebook, and all the other social media platforms we have now. There was no texting or instant messenger. So, it would be a few days before I officially met him when he came over to my house. Again, he was fairly handsome, but my spidey sense was telling me something wasn't right about him. I brushed it off though, and went out to grab a bite to eat with him. Over pizza, we talked and got to know each other, and I found myself actually liking him. I thought, "Okay, he might not be so bad, after all." He was a bit charming, and as he told me some of his sad family history (such as how his dad walked out on his mom and all the kids to marry another woman) I found myself immediately thinking, "Aww, how sad!" and feeling sorry for him. I just wanted to hug him, and be there for him, because I thought he was a good person.
Weeks turned into months, and I was happy with my new boyfriend. I'd met a few new girlfriends at college, and one of my new besties told me that she used to go to high school with my new boo, and they used to date. Of course, I wanted her to dish out info about him. The one thing she told me that sticks out the most was, "BE CAREFUL. HE'S NOT WHAT HE SEEMS!" Just as quickly as I'd decided to give him a chance, her warning had me having second thoughts. What could she had possibly meant by that? I'd soon find out. I remember him being at my house one evening, and I was ironing my clothes for school the next day. He looked at my outfit, and told me that my jeans were often too tight, and showed my butt a little too much. Now, I'm a Southern gal. I grew up eating good, stick to the ribs, kind of food, like collard greens and cornbread; and I had the hips, thighs, and booty to show for it. I've always been a thick, curvy girl, so no matter what I wore, my curves were going to show. But, to make him feel better, I started wearing longer shirts over my jeans (not that it helped). Another day, we were at a convenience store, and I ran into a male high school classmate. I hadn't seen him since we'd graduated and we'd always been buddies, so I gave him a hug, and we had a quick conversation, to catch up. I do recall introducing my boyfriend to him as well. He grilled my ass all the way home, asking who the guy was, why the hell was I hugging all on him, and all that jazz? I didn't understand why he was being such an a-hole. I'd always had guy friends, and I was cool with just about everybody, so in my mind, he was tripping.
Needless to say, that would only become the first time of many that he would show his true colors. And as the saying goes: "When one shows you his true stripes, believe him!" As the months went on, if another guy even looked at me too long, he was throwing a hissy fit. If we weren't together, he had to know what I was doing, who I was with, what I was wearing...the fifty questions thing with him was exhausting. My parents didn't even keep tabs on me as much as he did. Back then I'll admit that while it was irritating as hell, I also thought it was kind of cute that he was so jealous. In my young mind, it just meant he must really like me and he was scared someone else was going to come along and steal me from him. If only I knew then, what I know now. Those were the beginning signs that I was dating a jealous, controlling man...and it's definitely NOT cute. I laughed off his looney-toon ways, and would sometimes use his insecurity to my advantage. I knew he hated me talking to other guys, but I just couldn't resist doing it. If nothing else, I figured it would keep him in check, make him realize that I always had other options and he could easily be replaced. Looking back though, it just wasn't worth all the drama.
According to Carole Lieberman, media psychiatrist and best selling author: We’re all guilty of a little game-playing sometimes. The whole upper hand/lower hand dynamic in the relationship can get us a little crazy. You’re craving attention and you know exactly how to get a rise out of him, but that might be your problem. She believes that a little touch of jealousy isn’t bad; “it keeps your guy on his toes.” Lieberman identifies the problem as women provoking men into becoming jealous. Girls see jealousy as an easy read that a guy is still interested in them, so they’ll do whatever they know will make their own man envious. Playing games like flirting with other boys in his presence, ignoring his calls and texts and toying with his emotions is dangerous because guys may take it too seriously and their jealousy could escalate. Keep your games in moderation; nobody wants their emotions and feelings disrespected.
Here are a few signs that you're dating or married to a jealous/controlling man:
1. He wants to control what you wear, how you wear your hair, how much make-up you put on.
2. He gets jealous if you talk to or about male friends.
3. He has to know what you're doing every second that the two of you aren't together.
4. He finds reasons not to like your female friends, and eventually wants you not to hang with them, because he thinks they are bad influences on you. He's trying to isolate you from everyone else.
5. He gets mad very easily about little things, and somehow it's always your fault.
6. When you're in a group of people, he never takes his eyes off you or anybody (especially another man) who gets anywhere near you.
Obviously, there were many other signs that he wasn't wrapped too tight, but these are some of the main ones that this guy did constantly. And while this might not seem like much, things did progress from him being merely jealous & controlling, to him being menatally, emotionally, and physically abusive. That's when I knew it was time to get the hell out of dodge. I didn't sign up to take on the role of Tina Turner, letting Ike slap her around because he was crazy as hell, so he took his anger out on her. Most women, like myself, will find herself bending over backwards, trying to accommodate him and his craziness. I can't count how many times I felt humiliated when we'd be chilling in the student center at college, and he'd suddenly walk in the room; it would get so quiet, you could literally hear a pin drop. Everybody around campus knew how controlling he was, and our relationship played out like a soap opera...people couldn't wait to see what he was going to do or say next, while I just wanted to disappear.
So, how do you deal with the jealous type? Lieberman suggests to first try to understand why he's the way he is. It's possibly he has trust issues because he was cheated on in the past, which makes him think ALL women are the same. He also may have mommy issues, which has absolutely nothing to do with you. Homeboy needs therapy, if that's the case. He could also feel threatened that another man is going to take over his territory. Men are very territorial, by nature, and just the thought that some other guy is coming for what's his, sends him over the edge. It could also be that he's just plain old insecure. Yes, some men are just as insecure as some women, though they won't admit it. He needs your constant reassurance that you love him, he's the only man for you, and that he can trust you. However, if he's constantly nagging and being a big whiny baby over any and every little thing you do, it may just be time to cut him loose. If you truly care about him, try to work with him to get to the root of the problem., because he obviously had them way before you came into the picture. But, don't stick around to be his door mat or his punching bag. If he can't get some act right, save yourself the time, drama, and embarrassment, and show him the door.
For more information on how to deal with a jealous boyfriend, click the link: http://www.hercampus.com/love/relationships/how-deal-jealous-boyfriend
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